I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
