ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize