apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize
