Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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