it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My vagina is officially offended.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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