i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
