I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
