I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
