i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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