Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
