Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
