Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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