Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize