Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
