And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
