I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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