Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
