Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
