literally had 100 drinks last night.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
