i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
