probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
