I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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