god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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