you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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