i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
