so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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