Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
