Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
