I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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