In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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