You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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