If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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