Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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