Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
