my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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