I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
