I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize