I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
