i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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