why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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