Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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