He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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