so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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