I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
