Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Randomize
