Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
