We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
