I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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