T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
