dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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