Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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