he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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