sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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