you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
my being single is dangerous.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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