What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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